Science Experiment: The Results

What are your origins?

My toes have accompanied me on every step of my journey through life thus far: all 27, soon to be 28, years (birthday presents welcome). They were there when I lost my first tooth and when I sprouted my first boob; they squiggle in happiness when I fall in love and help me run the hell away when shit goes pear-shaped. I love my toes because they’re a part of my body. They bring great balance to my life and they look pretty when they’re dressed up in nail polish.

I now have a confession to make…

I got it all wrong. My toes, according to the toe/heritage correlation we have been examining this past week, are not Greek… they’re Roman. My second toe is NOT longer than my big toe as was revealed when I made my family take off their socks to determine their lineage. It is close to the same length, but it is definitely not longer. I have done my toes a dishonor in misdiagnosing their arrangement.

I thought long and hard about how this could be. How could my own eyes deceive my toes… or how could my toes deceive my own eyes? It then occurred to me that my nail polish is in fact to blame! The colour and shimmer of the lacquer created a strange optical illusion that quite magically made my second toe appear longer than my big toe.

I felt that I should confess this matter before presenting the results of our analysis, which revealed many interesting observations. Now that my atonement is complete, let’s take a look at what YOU had to say…

The Results *Drumroll…*

1. As far as I know, it’s incorrect, but I’m not 100% sure: 4 people

P.S. Thank you for providing me with a novel-length century-by-century account of the migrations of the clans from which you descended. Now that I know your family history so intimately, I feel as though we should get married.

2. It’s quite possible, but I’m not 100% sure: 2 people

3. Well, how about that… YES! 3 people

And today’s clear winner…

4. It’s a steaming pile of bullshit: 13 people

Other Interesting Observations 

Observation 1: The majority of the people who participated in this expedicure, expediment, experiment had Greek toes. Only one had German. This is a clear indicator of the fact that Greeks have always enjoyed partaking in scientific discussion: think Aristotle, Ptolemy, Socrates, Archimedes, Plato and Pythagoras. I could crack a million German jokes here, but they wouldn’t find them funny *bum-dum tsssss*

Observation 2: Y’all have a thing for really bad puns.

Observation 3: Perhaps the biggest and most important observation to be made here is that whoever cooked up this correlation failed to provide a toe arrangement for two of the biggest groups of human beings on the planets… Africans and Asians. The scientific conclusion we can draw from this is that this picture is racist. Just because Asians can’t drive doesn’t mean they should be excluded from this correlation. By that logic, women shouldn’t be allowed to partake either.

Your Take-Home Message 

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

ugly hobbit feet

Author: Thea Beckman

Canadian born and South African raised, Thea Beckman AKA Wander Woman Thea, is an experienced travel, food, and wine writer and (amateur) photographer with a devastating love of all of the above. She is a travel bug, a bookworm, and mildly alarmed by how many arthropods she can be at once. When she’s not writing for a living and for pleasure, she enjoys bird-watching, reading, drinking wine, cooking, and SHORT walks on the beach because the summer southeasterly winds in Cape Town are a real bitch. Thea is the author of the book “Why? Because Science!” Facebook @WanderWomanThea Instagram @wander_woman_thea

43 thoughts on “Science Experiment: The Results”

  1. My toes are Egyptian, but the rest of me is Germanic. I’m with the steaming pile people on this one.

    Actually, my toes form the right half of a downward opening parabolic curve, so they don’t fit exactly with any of the pictured ones. Maybe I’m a little bit of everything… all rolled into one. I’m a bitch, I’m a lover (damn how did that earworm get here?).


  2. Marriage?

    A. How do you feel about doing dishes since I can cook?
    B. Can you do windows?
    C. How do you feel about cleaning the toilet?

    Maybe C should be A.


    1. A. I feel very little when I do dishes. I’m usually thinking about other things, like boobs
      B. I’ve never tried. I imagine that windows make terrible lovers.
      C. It’s a necessity that I leave firmly in the hands of a cleaning lady or unlucky flatmate.

      Now it’s my turn…

      A. Do you have boobs?

      No? Oh dear. Sorry.


      1. Well since we are both lacking the correct equipment to interest the other, I gather it would have been strictly a marriage of convenience. And since you don’t clean toilets, it wouldn’t be too convenient. Sigh… Somewhere there has got to be someone who does the dishes and cleans the toilet.


      2. Oooooh, so you’re a meat and two veg kinda guy… unless your profile picture is lying to me about your gender. *sigh* yes, a marriage of convenience isn’t very convenient if your partner won’t even clean the damn toilet.


  3. Apparently I have Egyptian feet then, despite my pale face, blue eyes and ginger hair. I guess Egypt must have invaded Ireland at some point 😉 Or a more reasonable explanation; bull!


      1. I think if you headed over to Ireland or Scotland and then repeated yourself you’d find yourself faced with some strong, aggressive disagreement there (although I do love the Scots, and most certainly prefer them to the English! ;])


      1. well they have no clear evidence on when the first mamoths died so so you have no true idea whether it is a lie or not anyway my toes say i hav an eygiptian background when all of my family tree come from ether spain or austrailer anyway i am only in secondary school


      2. Well that figures. Your spelling and grammar are atrocious. PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS YOU!! Language is the conduit through which science is conveyed, and if you are to blog about woolly mammoths and immortality, you must master the tongue! In other news, I find it AWESOME that a person in secondary school is reading my blog. Testament to the fact that science is not rocket science 😉


  4. That picture is gay … Real Men comb inboard. I think. I’m told. Oh gods, why do I get into these things? I still haven’t forgiven you for making me look at my feet. Yuk.


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