Science Experiment: The Results

What are your origins?

My toes have accompanied me on every step of my journey through life thus far: all 27, soon to be 28, years (birthday presents welcome). They were there when I lost my first tooth and when I sprouted my first boob; they squiggle in happiness when I fall in love and help me run the hell away when shit goes pear-shaped. I love my toes because they’re a part of my body. They bring great balance to my life and they look pretty when they’re dressed up in nail polish.

I now have a confession to make…

I got it all wrong. My toes, according to the toe/heritage correlation we have been examining this past week, are not Greek… they’re Roman. My second toe is NOT longer than my big toe as was revealed when I made my family take off their socks to determine their lineage. It is close to the same length, but it is definitely not longer. I have done my toes a dishonor in misdiagnosing their arrangement.

I thought long and hard about how this could be. How could my own eyes deceive my toes… or how could my toes deceive my own eyes? It then occurred to me that my nail polish is in fact to blame! The colour and shimmer of the lacquer created a strange optical illusion that quite magically made my second toe appear longer than my big toe.

I felt that I should confess this matter before presenting the results of our analysis, which revealed many interesting observations. Now that my atonement is complete, let’s take a look at what YOU had to say…

The Results *Drumroll…*

1. As far as I know, it’s incorrect, but I’m not 100% sure: 4 people

P.S. Thank you for providing me with a novel-length century-by-century account of the migrations of the clans from which you descended. Now that I know your family history so intimately, I feel as though we should get married.

2. It’s quite possible, but I’m not 100% sure: 2 people

3. Well, how about that… YES! 3 people

And today’s clear winner…

4. It’s a steaming pile of bullshit: 13 people

Other Interesting Observations 

Observation 1: The majority of the people who participated in this expedicure, expediment, experiment had Greek toes. Only one had German. This is a clear indicator of the fact that Greeks have always enjoyed partaking in scientific discussion: think Aristotle, Ptolemy, Socrates, Archimedes, Plato and Pythagoras. I could crack a million German jokes here, but they wouldn’t find them funny *bum-dum tsssss*

Observation 2: Y’all have a thing for really bad puns.

Observation 3: Perhaps the biggest and most important observation to be made here is that whoever cooked up this correlation failed to provide a toe arrangement for two of the biggest groups of human beings on the planets… Africans and Asians. The scientific conclusion we can draw from this is that this picture is racist. Just because Asians can’t drive doesn’t mean they should be excluded from this correlation. By that logic, women shouldn’t be allowed to partake either.

Your Take-Home Message 

Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet.

ugly hobbit feet

Science Experiment

Today, I came across this particularly intriguing picture during my online meanderings…

What are your origins?

My first instinct would be to discredit such a seemingly whimsical correlation between toe arrangement and genetic heritage. That was until I looked at my own toes (because sometimes you need reminding) and saw that they matched # 3. My roots are Greek? And here I was thinking that having a longer second toe makes you an excellent lover, or gay, or a Nazi. Two out of three isn’t bad…

While I am unaware of any immediate Greek lineage, my grandfather did hail from Czechoslovakia (back in the day when it was still called Czechoslovakia). I also have a nose that would be the envy of any Roman emperor and my features are distinctly East European (thank you, dad). Between all the “Europe” going on in there, it might be possible that my heritage is Greek. It’s a long shot, I know.

So, in an effort to test whether this correlation – as provided by – is indeed accurate in any way or form, I encourage you all to look at your toes and see, having somewhat of a decent understanding of your lineage, whether it works for you. I then want you to comment and say “yes it correlates perfectly”, “no, it’s a steaming pile of bullshit”, or “maybe – it’s possible” as my answer was. If you don’t know what your lineage is at all, then don’t be a troll and try to partake.

This is just for fun, although an interesting/funny comment could land itself on my “Creme de la Comments” page. With enough of your feedback, we should be able to lend credence to or totally BUST this hypothesis. And you can have the satisfaction of knowing that you partook in a real science experiment (sort of).

Results are up! Take a look HERE

Funny President Abraham Lincoln

There Is No “Men” In Menses

It IS Your Fault


What do werewolves and your girlfriend have in common?

Every 28 days, they mutate into a towering, hirsute, slobbering, howling tyrants of canine rage. Werewolves devour flesh, blood and bone. Your girlfriend devours your ego and sense of self-worth. That’s right. Your beautiful petite girlfriend… The very same creature that kisses you so tenderly, coos over you when you’re sick, tolerates your flatulence, laughs at your stupid jokes and makes you feel like a hybrid of He-Man and MacGyver. That one.

There is no rhyme or reason to it. Fluctuating hormones are a monumental ball-ache, MORE so to us poor damsels than to you dudes. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can stop caring that your girlfriend turns into the Hulk once a month.

What the Hell’s Going on Anyway? 

tampons and pads

80% of the world’s population should know what menstruation is and why it happens. We’ll forgive children younger than 12 years old, population groups that inhabit far-flung regions of the globe and male Mormons who don’t really need to learn about these things. When one wife breaks down, he’s got four more on standby.

You may understand that menstruation is a cycle of egg production that permits us lady folk to reproduce. But what connection does that share with the nuclear fallout that happens in your household once a month?

Hormones. Those bastards.

Meet the Hormones

Angry woman

Throughout a woman’s approximate 28-day cycle, three hormones perform a ballet of intricate pirouettes, arabesques and fouetté jeté…

Estrogen is the main female sex hormone and interestingly enough is translated from the Greek word oistrus, which figuratively means “sexual desire” and literally “gadfly”. Don’t ask me why. My interest in etymology has its limits. The suffix –gen means “to produce”, so estrogen is a producer of sexual passion. Estrogen has a complex variety of influences on our moods. Some of the predominant effects include the increased release of serotonin, your brain’s “happy” juice. It also influences the production of endorphins, which is what makes you feel awesome when you eat chocolate, exercise or bonk someone attractive. Estrogen can even encourage nerve growth and protect existing ones from damage. So, estrogen is good. In moderation.

Progesterone is a steroid hormone produced by the adrenal gland, the ovaries and, if you’ve got a bun in the oven, in the placenta. This hormone’s job is to prepare the lining of the uterus – the endometrium – to become the warm, squishy and nurturing home for an egg and subsequent foetus in the ensuing nine months. Progesterone also serves to balance out some of the less desirable effects estrogen can have on the body, which includes an increased risk of developing uterine and breast cancer.

Testosterone, although known as a male hormone, is produced in small amounts by women’s bodies and its variability is too thought to play a role in turning your girlfriend into a slavering monster once a month. This hormone controls sexual desire and aggression. It’s what makes men drop onto all fours in the middle of a packed dance floor and do push-ups and it brings out the voracious sexual appetite in all the genders.


As yet, there is little scientific understanding as to whether or not women who become nuns are physically deficient in these hormones, hence their life’s dedication to being frigid. This research is pending and I greatly encourage any biologist out there to commence controlled experiments immediately. Some ideas might include substituting a nun’s annual flu vaccination with hormone replacement therapy and then locking her in a cheap motel room with Channing Tatum.

Considering some of the dubious Sapphic legends doing the rounds, you may want to repeat these trials using Olivia Wilde.

Battle of the Sex Hormones: A Play-by-Play

Day one of menses and your girlfriend wakes up with a multiple homicide between her legs. At this glorious time of the month, the levels of testosterone and estrogen in our sweet supple bodies are at their lowest. They then begin a slow and steady climb, which makes us feel sexier and better about life in general, in spite of the carnage going on in our wombs. So, asking a grumpy woman whether she’s “on her period” is as inaccurate as it is sure to get your eyes gouged out with a serving spoon. And it would SERVE you right *snort*. There’s a reason it’s called PRE-Menstrual Syndrome. When we are menstruating, we’re actually pretty nice. It’s what happens in the week before that has you sleeping on the couch.

During week two of our cycle, estrogen and testosterone continue their bold journey upwards, making us happy, excellent conversationalists, adventurous and dynamite lovers. Just like tequila. A spike in estrogen then boots an egg out of our ovaries and that’s when the trouble begins…

Subsequent to ovulation, estrogen and testosterone take a cliff dive and our levels of progesterone rise to peak during what is referred to as the “luteal phase”. If the egg is not fertilized by your boyfriend, husband or one-night stand, your body prepares to rid itself of potential mini-you and the production of this hormone joins estrogen and testosterone off that cliff like a lemming. Progesterone makes you hungry, sleepy and forgetful; it makes you want to settle down, nest, get married and feel safe. It can even cause you to slur your speech like a drunkard.


This complex and violent surge and downswing of sex hormones causes a mutation of moods, which surge and downswing just as violently. A drop in estrogen and correlating rise in progesterone makes us cry while watching Pocahontas. It also makes us want to poison your food with arsenic. Even that might be too subtle.


“You left your socks on the bedroom floor again?? Why don’t you just take a shit all over my leg!! Jesus H. Christ!!

Thankfully, by the second half of week three, estrogen begins to climb back up again, making your chance of getting laid that much better. Don’t blame your girlfriend for faking it though… increased levels of progesterone don’t make us feel very sexy. Now, in fact, would be the time to ask her to marry you and then spend the night spooning her.

If you thought it was over, you’d be wrong. In the final week of our cycle, all three hormones commit suicide again and the premenstrual symptoms hit full force like a category 5 hurricane. At this time, we are at our most homicidal. You might want to invest in a sleeper couch or horse tranquilizers.


It’s Not All Bad…

The entire point of menstruating is to reproduce and while it tends to have its downsides – bleeding from your hoo ha begin a major one, terrible mood swings being another – it also has it perks. The hormonal cycle a woman experiences takes her up slippery sex mountains of desire and brings her crashing down into yawning chasms of despair and chocolate craving. If your most intimate parts resembled the scene of a hit and run, you’d also get a little crabby.

Don’t regard your lady’s period as you might the blood-engorged elevators opening in the film adaptation of “The Shining”. She feels just as confused, angry and upset by her own fluctuating hormones as you. Just throw a bar of chocolate at her and she’ll pipe down. And if you find any bottles labelled “As” in the kitchen cupboards, you might want to avoid any home-cooked meals in the week prior to her period.

Class Dismissed: Your Take-Home Message


There is a brilliant ad doing the rounds on the Internet and apparently it was the brainchild of some Russian marketer. The advert shows two gorgeous buxom young women – one blonde, one brunette – walking in slow motion along the beach, tossing their hair around, boobs bouncing, staring intensely into the distance and generally being ridiculously sexy. Both of them head into the crashing waves of the sea. Suddenly, the brunette gets viciously body slammed by a gigantic shark, which thrashes the water into a soup of white foam and crimson blood.

The ad was for tampons. Brilliant! Check it out Here

I was terribly sad to see the brunette go.

What I don’t understand is why this advert was never aired on the television. Considering mail order brides, vodka, Mila Jovovich’s chronic nudity in the Resident Evil Octilogy and the language in general (which is just plain sexy no matter which way you spin it), I would NEVER have pinned this vast country to be conservative. Although, the recent gay bashing furore is definitely a red flag, excuse the pun.

Half the world’s population bleeds once a month, so why is this an issue that needs to be censored? Because women really are monsters around this time of the month and if you’ve ever seen M. Night Shayamalan’s “The Village”, you will know that monsters are “those of whom we do not speak…”

Having said this, with a little understanding, chocolate and red wine, you can sail under the radar of our homicidal tendencies and endear yourselves to us further. We may go 50 shades of cray once a month, but we eventually get over it. Also, it would help if you looked like Ryan Gosling.

Ryan Gosling meme

About this Awesomeness…

I met Superman through WordPress blogging. He found my humble blog and decided that he liked it enough to pester me with comments. Those comments turned out to funny and clever enough for us to establish a rapport. Before I knew it, we became Facebook friends. With the name “Christopher Reeves” how could I not?

In an effort to coax me out of my hiatus – which I’ve had to take because I’m studying an online course – he has written this exceptional blog post on the literal awesomeness of the oceans. I loved every word of it and I now reblog it so that all of you can enjoy it. I am tickled pink to learn that my absence is noted by my readers (or at least one of them)… and that Superman took the time to write this brilliant and humorous article, which applies the overarching philosophy of Why? Because Science so very well.

That philosophy is: if you make people laugh about science, they’ll understand it.

Seemed Like Good Science at the Time


Mars blows. With so much recent hype and excitement about popping a rover on over to our rusty neighbor, we seem to be overlooking a couple of important points. First, Mars is crappy. It’s cold; the air is, well, not air; and most importantly, there are no attractive scientists actually on Mars. Sure, there are the massively important technologies that we have developed as a byproduct of space exploration to get excited about. Space program spin-offs have given us LEDs, temper foam, grooves in the road, and freeze-dried food.  OK, that last part sounded really exciting before I read it out loud. Anyhoo, Mars exploration could provide a mess of dimly lit, red-desert landscape photos for computer desktop backgrounds. It may divulge powerful revelations about our place in the universe. It might even give us evidence of life on other planets, which would be awesome because, well, ALIENS! But…

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